THE DIRT

Getting dirt this morning. Four square cubic yards of it. Just learned that term. I was so proud that I had accomplished the purchase and arrangement of delivery of it. Wasn't even gonna tell handsome hubby 'til the deed was done. He struggles with the old southern "I have to do everything, it isn't right to hire anything out" mentality. "Iss jess not raaahhhhht." You know the one. Have pickup will travel. Never mind there aren't but fourteen spare minutes in each weekday. For someone so busy he can't remember to take out the kitchen garbage or lock the doors at night but four nights out of seven it's odd baggage to carry. Old habits die hard.

So for weeks - no, months - I've been saying, "You know honey, this sinkhole is gonna make the walkway crack if we don't get some topsoil in here."

"I know," he replies. "I saw a construction site that has some at a good price if you haul it. I'll go by there on the way home from work."

"How you plan on hauling it?"

He wrecked his truck in March. Well. He got it wrecked for him by an idiot driving like a banshee - a banshee with no insurance and- oh, that's just another story for another day. So now he drives a Volvo. Can't haul dirt in a Volvo.

"Well when I weld a bottom and sides onto the trailer. . ."

Crrrrrrrrrrrrap.

So last night kids are asleep, we're getting ready to prop up in the bed and watch "Monster-in-Law" and handsome husband, remote in hand says, "so what's on the agenda for you and Jr. Mint tomorrow?"

Ruh-roh.

"Welllllllll, weeeeeeee're gonna do some yardwork. What about you?"

"Meetings. What kind of yardwork?"

Nuts. "We're having some dirt delivered to fill that big ol' hole. "

"Oh good. Thanks for doin' that. Is it screened topsoil? What size dump truck is he comin' in? Is it safe for the driveway? Are you gonna have him move around in the yard and dump it in all the places in the yard, not just that one spot? It is dark topsoil or that light stuff? Screened to what size chunks?"

Did I mention my handsome husband is a tad passive aggresive?

"You're welcome sweetie. Yes it's screened. No, it's not safe for the driveway I remember you teaching me that so he's driving up the yard and he has a light enough truck that it won't get stuck. No he's not gonna drive around in the yard and drop little blops of dirt here there and everywhere I'm focusing on that one HUNORMOUS hole. It's the goooooood rich soil, and here's his phone number if you wanna talk chunks with him."

Did you know that passive aggressive only works if you notice it?

"You gonna turn that movie on or what?"

Monster In Law was a very funny movie. Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez. Good pair. I dunno who the guy was, I've seen him in sumfink. Cute but clueless. Wonder if he'd care if Jennifer Lopez ordered four cubic yards of dirt to fill a big hole. Hell. She'd prolly push her mother in law in there first, then fill it up. Why does Jennifer Lopez always play a sweet Cinderelly victim that gets stomped on???

So movie's over, lights out, minutes go by. Hubby says, in such a sheepish, disconnected voice that I'm (still) not sure if he was even awake, or just embarrassed, "Thank you for ordering up that dirt. I don't have time to haul dirt, do I."

Duh. Let goooooooo of the pasttttttt, Mr. Man................