Monday, May 18, 2015


Or, first world fashion problems.

Over The Soccer Marathon weekend we just rolled out of, I took advantage of our location and a little lag time between games to do some shopping.  More accurately, some looking. And much flaring of nostrils, upper lip curling, and big adolescent eyerolls.

I have a few observations and moreover some requests for feedback.  Wanna hear them?  Here we go.

Before I get on a roll though, I'll don my Captain Obvious hat for a sec just to make sure that in the event I go all over-opinionated (likethat's EVER happened), everyone's on the same page regarding my credentials on the subject.

I have none.

Alrightie, NOW here we go.  Ninety percent (90%) of what I saw in womens apparel was horizontal stripes. Across the board. Tops, pants, dresses, skirts, leggings, etceterahhh. Are we sailors? Are we desiring to look three times as wide as we are? #nohorizontalstripes

The remaining ten percent was a conglomeration of massive flower power: cabbage roses, big peonies in several shades of blue on a white/cream background. The former makes me feel I'm wearing Waverly upholstery fabric, the latter, a tablecloth or Blue Willow china. Listen.  For us giraffes, committing to a pattern that large and that bold means our clothes will enter the room before we do.  It's a lot. #wearingthebedspread

There was also a large representation of cotton eyelet. Do the fashion trendmakers think we still iron our clothes? Wear our summer shower curtains? "But this cotton eyelet top is SO cute I have to have it, so I'll iron it."  Said nobody ever. Y'know where that top's gonna go.  Back of the closet where the bad clothes are in a perpetual time-out but can't be given away because we feel too lamely responsible for having bought them and somehow we have to give them space in our closet until they've earned their keep or the memory of how much we spent isn't so fresh. After looking at it with shame for a few years it goes in the charity bag.  As if those who are in dire need of clothing should be gifted a clothing item that makes them look like they slept in it when they didn't even. But no matter. It makes us feel better about it. "At least it's going to someone who needs wear.And look!  It still has the tags on it. I'm giving them new clothes." We're so generous! Not.

Dresses were either too short or too long, with nothing in between. The short ones look as though we're trying to relive our toddler years or dress like our teens.  Here's the thing. NOBODY is Stacy's Mom. Nobody's The Cool Mom either, but that's a subject all of its own for another day. The point is both titles are vapid, fairytale images and as badly as one might want the title, just think of them like you do unicorns, psychics, thigh gaps and other delusional flim-flam. Give it no truck.  Wave it away, let go, give it a solid sendoff then come back to earth where we're dealing with real topics like how long a garment has to be in order to earn the title of dress rather than tunic.  Which, by the way, implies it covers your butt.  Also a subject for an entire blog post.
The long dresses are SO long I was stepping on them. Is that a thing? Are we doing that? Hear me, Fashion Sisters. I'm here to report that when a dress is too long for ME, that is one..... more........ lonnnng...... .dress.  Not only am I on the giraffe side of the height scale, I wear big tall shoes, too. So for those of you in one or neither of those categories, do you drag the dress behind you like a train? Does it get caught up around your legs and in your feet? Does it hang out the car door while you're truckin' down the road oh my gosh I hate when that happens?   Do we have to hold it up with our delicate lil lady hands when we go upstairs? Cauz I got a news flash. I go up my stairs at my house an average of 14 times in a day.  A slow day. With armloads of stuff. I got no intentions whatsoever of having to hoist up my skirt to travel up some stairs.

Why WHy WHY does the fashion pendulum sway so far each year? Besides planned obsolescence I mean. And where are the adult's clothes? Not junior clothes.  Not senior clothes. Clothes for the decades I say decades between a junior mentality or lifestyle (when it's appropriate do stuff like wear short skirts with cowboy boots and post aaaaaaall the selfies)  and a senior one (where we'll do stuff like wear mumus and jewelry so big you could use it for weaponry, and go to dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon). Where? Where are the clothes for those of us who have passed junior status and not yet entered senior status?  Clothing that is appealing and appropriate for that group, the middle group, should be the most plentiful because, Sweet Sassy Fashionwise Sisters, we spend a LOT of time in that middle category.

I'm all in with the "you're as young as you feel" philosophy.  I get it. I fly that flag myself, Baby. But what we need here is solidarity, Sisters.  Because what we're NOT is "as young as you dress". #dressyourage #dressyourbodytype


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